We like the way Dwight thinks
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[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.