I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”