Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.