My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
*pronounces fake like saké*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
THE AUDACITY. 😤
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…