There’s always that one guy
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.