I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
This made me chuckle.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38