When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You Might Also Like
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I can’t stop laughing at this
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.