I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.