I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
smartest karate player in the world
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My plans: 2020:
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.