Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A friend sent me this.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Hero horse inspires millions
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?