It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
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What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
i baked you a cake
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”