we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Ape together strong
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.