Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home