Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
They did not think through this water fountain
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it