God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
They got a point!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.