Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
quarantine day 3
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.