Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
never compromise your values
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator