11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
January is lasting longer than my marriage
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!