came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
it must be school picture day
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad