This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
i wish i could marry a nap
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there