Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
This bar smells like my childhood.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
From Facebook just now…