I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
But that’s none of my business
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.