today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My dating profile:
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho