Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
You Might Also Like
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol