Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*