Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*