I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said