Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK