Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.