Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes