2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
OH. COME. ON.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried