My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
This could be us but you eatin’
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.