When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.