[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.