Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.