robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??