Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong