Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
never forget
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again