Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
He’s cranky this morning
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.