There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.