doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.