Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.