Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
That de-escalated quickly
I hope they boil the right one.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask