She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.