Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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tis the season
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Body by sandwich.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..