“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Children of the corn 🌽
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
#milo
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I put the h in mysterious.