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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I love wikipedia
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
A man of commitment.