Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
as is their right
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
crochet youtube is brutal
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
monday