Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
This will never not be funny 😭
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel