ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You Might Also Like
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.